On Sex, Sex Toys and Female Sexuality @ 40

“Mother had accused me too many times of having it when I didn’t even know what it was.”

By Ese Walter

I had sex for the first time at 17.

Ability to give consent be damned, I just wanted to do it already.

Mother had accused me too many times of having it when I didn’t even know what it was.

The day she beat me with a belt over sex I wasn’t having was the day I decided I was going to have it the first chance I got.

So yeah, by the time I entered Igbinedion University in 2002, I was on the hunt for the person to sex me.

It happened. I was disappointed.

Then it happened again and started to make sense.

I already lived through the shaming of sex I wasn’t having as a teenager so when I started having it, shame was far from me.

 I had a whole lot of sex.

Mother had accused me too many times of having it when I didn’t even know what it was.
The day she beat me with a belt over sex I wasn’t having was the day I decided I was going to have it the first chance I got.

Anyways, fast forward to 30. I got married and this guy who couldn’t keep his hands off me, pre-marriage, started denying me sex.

Ah! Me? Why? 

Afraid to step out, I sought an alternative and a friend introduced me to sex toys.

I remember that day in the shop at Banex.

I was like a kid in an all-you-can-eat candy store.

We were there for a few HOURS (illusionary time didn’t even exist altogether).

I asked questions on all the types I saw and ended up with 2.

A bullet and a rabbit.

The next morning, I had the bullet in my panties as I did the dishes (see rhyming).

It was on low vibration and no sound, so it was just there vibing with da clit.

I was singing, happily strolling around the house making videos of my infant at the time.

I didn’t care about the sex hoarding again.

I got married and this guy who couldn’t keep his hands off me, pre-marriage, started denying me sex.
Ah! Me? Why? 
Afraid to step out, I sought an alternative and a friend introduced me to sex toys.

I had the bullet for my mornings and the rabbit for when they went out and left the house for me.

Fast forward to this year. I turn 40.

Wait … let’s start with last year.

I turned 39 and realized a spike in my sex drive.

I was seeing a younger guy at some point and was amazed at his energy and how many times I could actually go.

I thought my sex had broken in my 30s.

All that hoarding and me running through sex toys like an addict made me feel less in control of my sexuality than when I first explored my body at the beginning of my 30s.

I recently introduced a 48-year-old woman to her first sex toy.

Dear woman, sex can be good for your body-mind.
Don’t be scared to explore your body.

I remember how shy she was to say she had never seen one live. I told her until marriage, I didn’t know what they looked like live, either.

Imagine getting old with your partner and when your sex drive starts to peak, his begins to decline? 

I know few men are open to the idea of sex toys for their partners and I blame all the policing around women’s sex.

With all that policing, it’s little wonder the woman herself suffers shame around sex.

She can’t even explore her own body or heaven forbid; tell her partner she wants more (maybe sex toy to assist).

Sex toys were the first thing I discussed with Boo before deciding to date.

I love having sex, but I don’t always want it with a Body. Sometimes, I just want to have a great release and explore by myself with Silver (name of my bullet, the sex toy).

Dear woman, sex can be good for your body-mind.

Don’t be scared to explore your body.

Well, be scared actually.

Sex is quite scary.

It’s been portrayed as monster your whole life. Phew!

Any 40s women who can relate to increased sex drive? 

Do you use a toy?